KFC = Kentucky’s Fucking Dumbest

Yeah, I know, but I don’t live there, so we won’t talk about my problems. For now. And if you have no idea why I’m saying this, then you must live in Kentucky.

Personally, I love the State of Kentucky, once you get a little further south from the Northern Kentucky assholes, who consider themselves Cincinnati, but are much better than us because they live in Northern Kentucky. But no, not those assholes. The REAL people of Kentucky. Down in the hollers. Up in the mountains. Between the hollers and the mountains, where it’s just that little hilly area that everyone seems to forget about. Twindaddy lives on one of those hills, so he’s fine.

THOSE are the people who make that State great. So I’m really not talking about them, I’m talking about the fast food fried fowl restaurant chain, KFC. Say that a hundred and thirty seven times in a row, fast. I know you won’t.

They’ve recently put out a commercial that I got to see run a million times Sunday during football where they’re advertising their popcorn chicken. In this commercial, they start off by showing chicken nuggets and saying something to the effect of, “Nuggets? What part of the chicken is that? Our chefs don’t make nuggets (emphasis on the “nuggets”, to make them sound as if they are ultra stupid). Our chefs only make popcorn chicken!”

So I’m thinking, “Okay assholes, what part of the chicken is the popcorn?” I used to work at a butcher shop and I cut up chickens all the time for people. Not once did I ever see the popcorn meat. Maybe it’s slang for their balls. Eeew, if you eat popcorn chicken, you’re eating their nuts! EEEEEWWWW!!!

What the fuck is this shit? “Our chefs don’t make nuggets…” No, your “chefs” don’t make shit. They go to work, open bags of this popcorn shit up, dump it in the fryer, and then let it sit under a heat lamp for most of the day.

They make mention of the fact that nuggets aren’t real meat, I’m guessing they’re insinuating that nuggets are all processed meat, which for the record, is how I like all of my meat. Except for hamburgers. Those are fine just the way they are.

No, not the processed shit for their popcorn chicken, only all white breast meat. Quadruple layered in batter and deep fried. Never mind that most fast food joints who sell chicken nuggets are now using real chicken breast meat in them, such as Wendy’s and, well, them. The rest I’m not sure about because I don’t really eat fast food all that much. But McDonald’s chicken nuggets can suck a fat one because that shit isn’t real chicken breast and it ain’t processed either. I have no clue what it is, but I know if I eat it I’ll regret the hell out of it while I’m sitting on the toilet for four days.

So I say to hell with KFC. I don’t care if they beat the shit out of the chickens before they kill them and serve them to me. I like my food dead and tasty, and that’s what they provide. How the animal gets that way isn’t my concern. But, when they start running ads on national television that appears to have been written by an aggressive eight year old who has bullying issues and a sense of putting someone down that is only moronic and not really thoughtful, and nobody read it over to see if it was any good before they filmed it in one take and went with it.

Really? By their law, “nuggets” aren’t a part of a chicken’s anatomy, so there shouldn’t be a food named that, but it’s okay for there to not be a “popcorn” section on a chicken’s body but a food named that.

It’s so simple and stupid that it pisses me off to no end. I can’t fathom how someone wrote that, MADE MONEY for writing it, and didn’t listen to it when it was said aloud. No nugget parts on a chicken, so they’re stupid and those who eat them are stupid. So go eat chicken made from the popcorn parts of a chicken. Then you’ll be one of the cool kids.

If they were really popcorn, why can’t I buy a large bucket of them at the movie theater for $24.75? I was going to get the medium bucket, but they insisted it was totally worth the 75 cents to upgrade, so I splurged.

Can you imagine that? A large bucket of crunchy popcorn chicken, smothered in salt and hot flowing imitation butter? Oh god… Do you know why when you get hungry your mouth fills with saliva? Saliva is all of the nut your taste buds are ejaculating at the thought of delicious food. I’ve looked it up. It was on Wikipedia.

So there you go, KFC, which we all really know is a subliminal way of writing the word “fuck”, which in all honesty is why I love eating there cause that’s pretty funny. But I’m not going to until they start writing smarter ads. Just the facts. Show a non-moving picture of popcorn chicken with no sound at all for 30 seconds at a time, with your logo down in the corner and you’re guaranteed to sell millions of units. You don’t have to try to write a “funny” commercial to sell your product, because you only come across as dumb asses.

It’s a common problem with way too many commercials. These companies paying for advertising time think it’s cute to write “goofy” commercials. Some commercials are legitimately funny, but most are not, in the slightest. I don’t want to watch people acting like fucking idiots just to sell a product. That shit might have worked in the 1930’s but it isn’t working now. Just give us the facts and end it with that.

Fuck.

2 responses to “KFC = Kentucky’s Fucking Dumbest

  1. A couple of things: I saw that commercial and I could have sworn it was a Domino’s commercial. Secondly, I live in Northern Kentucky, not the hollars and hills. There is nothing wrong with it here. Technically, northern Kentucky is a suburban area of Cincinnati, so it really is part of Cincinnati. And of course the people down here think it’s better than Ohio just like the people in Ohio think it’s better up there than down here.

    As to the commercial, of course it’s dumb. Not many commercials nowadays aren’t. I, too, would prefer if commercials would just stick to facts instead of trying to be funny because most commercials fail at humor. Not only do they fail, but fail miserably. I’m dreading when the Southwest Airlines commercials start. I seriously want to hurt everyone involved in their “bag cop” routine. Dumbest. Commercials. Ever.

  2. Way to call yourself out there… I was trying to help you out lol.

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