As promised from the last blog, an Editorial Archive telling about my drinking ways.
How Drunk I Am
Jan. 6, 2005
Folks, let me first start off by saying that I am currently drunk. I didn’t think I’d still be, but I am. Therefore, I am writing to tell you just how drunk I am. Keep in mind that while drunk I will probably go off on several different things before getting to the point that I will eventually try to make. Also note that there will probably be some horrible spelling mistakes. Even though most of it might be typed ok, that is only because I hate spelling shit wrong. Anyway…
What’s amazing about how I’m still drunk now, it’s the next day and I’m now at work. I’m lucky to have made it here. Hell, I’m not sure how I got home last night, but I know that I had to have driven myself, and that’s scary. But let me start at the beginning.
First of all, last night was the last night of my dart league, but I didn’t have to play. So I thought I’d go up to the bar anyway and just drink. I don’t get to do that too much anymore. So my plan was simple. I was going to go up for just a couple hours, have a few beer, and go home peacefully. Oh if only that were the case.
By the way, is beer like deer? Said the same singular or plural? That’s why I said “have a few beer” because that’s the way I took it. That you have to say beer the same plural as you would singular. Like “Damn that’s a lot of beer” or “did you get the 4 cases of beer?”
Anyway, when I got to the bar I was asked to play by a team that was one player short. That’s fine. The team that I’m playing for is pretty good, and the team we’re playing against is the number one team, and rarely do they lose. So I figure that I’ll be out of there at a reasonable time, maybe even the time that I planned on leaving anyway.
The night starts off pretty good, drinking moderately, and only beer. As the night goes on, I start drinking more and more, mainly because everybody is now buying me beer and I hate to drink warm beer or waste beer, so of course I have to drink it faster and faster to accomodate all of the beer coming to me. It was about this point, when I’m most vulnerable and stupid, that a friend of mine who has now had about 15 shots of Jagermeister, seriously, says to me “You should try this drink, it’s awesome and you’d probably like it. It’s called a Creamsicle.”
I am now never taking his word for anything again. I ordered one and started drinking. It tastes just like a creamsicle, really good. I’m not one for mixed drinks, usually I just do beer, but this was an exception. And when I got thru halfway of the first one, I only tasted orange juice, and that’s bad. Oh yeah, it’s made with orange juice and Captain Morgans over ice. Very good shit.
So I then had a second one. It was by this time that I realized my speach was getting slurred and that confused me because I really didn’t have that much to drink, but I guess it was the Captain that got to me. Like I said, I don’t do liquor that much anymore. I used to all the time back in the day and it got me into lots of trouble, so I don’t do it anymore, and haven’t in a long time. For me to just do a shot anymore all of the planets have to be alligned.
So the drinks hit me hard. I had a great time for what I remember. I do know these couple of things. After the second Creamsicle, and I’m not even sure if that’s how you spell it, I may have had more, I’m not too sure. I do know that I drank several more beer though. I also know that I don’t know how I got home. But I do remember one point of coming home, and that was when I looked in my rearview to see the traffic behind me and I swerved over a lane on the highway. When I looked back up I was in the next lane, almost perfectly. It was incredible.
Now, here are the signs that made me realize how drunk I am this morning. Keep in mind that I come into work a lot still drunk from the night before. But today is different. I don’t know why, it just is.
For starters, yesterday my shoulder hurt like I slept on it wrong. Today it feels like in my sleep an ox tried to rip it off. It’s fucking killing me. And then there’s the fact that I woke up with dried spit all over my face. I had some on my forehead. I don’t know how that happened. And since I got up I haven’t been able to move my left foot all that well. I don’t know why. From what I can gather, when I got home I tried trimming my toenails on that foot and I cut them down to about my ankle.
But it really hit me when I was on my way to work. I was driving horribly. I would go from 65 to 85 mph over and over, not being able to hold a steady pace at any speed. Also, I was swerving just a little, and I was singing some Green Day song very loud, out of key, and in one of those drunken voices that is cracking from drinking too much and smoking way too many cigarettes. I cut a couple of farts in the car that made me need to open every window that would go down. God damn they smell.
When I got to work I had this scarf around my face and I burped, which almost knocked me out. I’m swaying back and forth in my seat, and I’m still cutting those farts that I seriously think I need to whipe after. And my shoulder AND foot hurts. I’m in a bad way. Oh yeah, I also noticed when I got to work that I was wearing a Miami Dolphins coat and a Cincinnati Bengals hat.
This only leads me to the conclussion that Creamsicles are pissed directly out of Satan’s pee hole. Don’t let them fool you, they taste great but they are BAD.
I wound up playing darts fairly well from what I remember, and I made it home ok thank god.
I hate Satan’s piss.