Drunken Rants: Swamp People

This is a new rant here on the blog. I’m a drunk, otherwise known as a lush. I’m not an alcoholic though. They go to meetings.

To begin, these rants will only take place while I am drunk. I’m surprised I haven’t had one of these yet. And to celebrate, I’m going to post another Editorial Archive that talks about just how much I drink. Ironically, most every Editorial I wrote happened while I was drunk or otherwise inebriated.

For now, though, my drunken rant. Oh, by the way, Jen said I had to include this. When I first started typing the title to the rant, I typed “Drunken” as “Drunekn” and then as “Drunenk” and I couldn’t figure out why it didn’t look right. Who knew?

On to the rant.

I was just watching that show Swamp People, which is a fucking awesome show. It’s easily addictable. Don’t watch it, unless you want to be hooked on a show where dudes cruise around in the swamp on boats, hunting and killing alligators. It’s awesome. It’s also awesome that a couple of them wear those shitty rubber shoes, Crocs, and they hunt alligators. Anybody else notice that shit?

Crocs - Shitty rubber shoes.

So I’m watching this show and it occurs to me, as I finish my 7th Hudepohl Amber Lager and quickly begin sucking on the 8th, even as awesome as this show is, it could still be awesomer. If only they included the two things every show should have, explosions and zombies.

Zombies belong in every show. Period. Movies? Why are they already not in every movie? Well, Hollywood has been working on that, but whatever. Why does this show not have zombies? That’s the problem with zombies, they’re not very abundant in swamps.

Zombies typically don’t show up on alligator hunts, which I learned while watching Swamp People; yet another reason why you should watch the show. You learn so much. Like, alligators are super pissed, all the time. I already knew that, but they teach you that in case you didn’t know already.

Fuck, I just got the hiccups.

It’s probably a good thing there are no zombies in the swamp, cause dealing with alligators is at the top of shit I don’t want to have to deal with. Add zombies into the mix, and you’re pretty much fucked. Let’s not even THINK of zombie alligators. Fuck that nonsense.

Next is explosions. There aren’t many opportunities for explosions in the swamp, except that apparently swamp gas is very flammable. It’s also the cause of every UFO sighting ever. Apparently.

The only thing I could figure is, the boats the Swamp People drive around in have gas engines, so those could explode. That would be awesome. Talk about fucked. Or maybe if, for instance, they hunted the gators by putting rancid meat on hooks and hung them from trees, only inside the rancid meat is a few dozen sticks of dynamite. Then when the gator swallows it, he realizes he’s fucked because the hook jabs through his stomach lining, but then the 48 sticks of dynamite go off and ruin his world. Damn that would be so sweet.

Now, if you will, consider this. The guys go out hunting gators, and just as they tag one, a horde of exploding zombies run out of the swamp and dominate their asses. Holy shit, I should be in Hollywood giving people ideas for movies and shit. Better yet, I’ll post all of my ideas on this easily accessible blog and let whoever the fuck wants to steal it, steal it. Just like what happened between me and The Simpsons. Whatever.

Everything should have zombies and explosions in it. And Bruce Willis. I mean, if you have him on your movie or show, you’re guaranteed to have explosions. And then zombies? Man, I can hardly contain myself.

2 responses to “Drunken Rants: Swamp People

  1. You, sir, should never be sober.

  2. I agree.

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