Editorial Archives: Looking For A New Car? Don’t Buy These.

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Looking For A New Car? Don’t Buy These.
June 9, 2008

If you’re in the market for a new car (whether it be brand new or just new to you) I have some advice for you. And of course my advice is gold, so you better clean those glasses, take notes and a dose of Ginkgo Biloba. If you want, you can just print this page out and take it with you to the dealership.

For starters, if you’re a poor bastard and can only afford one of those cars that you hope will work the week after you buy it, don’t worry. There are plenty of cars for you to choose from, and you are not the only one. These cars have made many owners over the years happy. Why shouldn’t you be on the list? Besides, a car isn’t going to live forever. No matter what Honda or Toyota tell you, every car dies. It just depends on “when” that you should be worried about.

If you happen to be a rich fucker that has to show off the fact, or you feel like working your fingers to the knuckle just to drive something considered “luxury”, here’s where my advice comes in handy. Do NOT buy an expensive car.

Sure BMW and Audi look nice, drive nice, have great options and are at the top of the list. But do you really need them? For that matter, why the hell do you even want them?

It’s a fact that all cars get beat up. It’s natural wear and tear that nobody can stop. It doesn’t matter how slow you drive, how careful you are, or how much money and time you have to keep the appearance of your car in award winning shape, your car is going to get its ass kicked by the road. Just driving down the street will kick up rocks and debris that will slam into the underside of your car harder than Pamela Anderson on any rock star. Tommy Lee tape anyone?

You also have to consider natural selection. In the automotive world this means that if your car is selected by the natural order it will constantly be subjected, but not limited to, random bird shit (sometimes purple from berry consumption), assholes that can’t park and open their door hard enough to scratch and dent your side panel and renegade shopping carts that roll into your heap and leaving you in a cursing wreck.

You can’t help it. Shit happens. So what are you going to do when you have a body-full of pings and dents caused by shit that you had no control over? Suddenly that $60,000 leather clad car looks more like that ’84 LeBaron your grandma drove until it couldn’t make it out of the garage one day and wound up never leaving. Great investment, eh?

So here’s what you should do. Look around for something one third the price. Go with a Saturn, Kia or Hyundai. Get the base model (write this down) and then add the features you want. Add your leather, tint, power everything, AM/FM 6 disc CD changer iPod compatible Sirius Satellite radio with detachable face, heated seats and rear-view mirrors, navigational system, alloy wheels, sun roof, trunk monkey and cargo net for the trunk, and suddenly you have the same car with all of the options you originally wanted at a fraction of the price.

You might be wondering why you wouldn’t just buy the more expensive model that already comes with all of those features. Here’s why I’m teaching and you’re taking notes. In the car world if you go to sell that expensive model that came with everything already installed, you won’t get out of it nearly as much as you would if you purchased the cheaper model and added everything in as options.

I’m told the reason for this is it just looks better. People think they’re getting “more” because it’s a base model with “additions” instead of just an expensive model.

Not only will it have a better resell value, but because it’s going to cost you so much less you’ll now have the extra cash to fix it up if it gets dinged. Either that or you don’t have to care as much because it’s a “regular” car.

“Man, your car looks like shit.”
“That’s cool, it’s just a Sophia.”

Little do they know that you’re still riding in style and for a lot less than they are with their tricked out Hummer.

If you still feel the need to buy an expensive car, that’s completely fine. It’s your money and someone has to buy them. However, if you think driving slow or carefully is the way to keep things from happening to the body of your car, all you’re doing is pissing everyone off around you and you’re still getting the dings. Here’s what you do to stop that. Drive as fast and irresponsible as possible. If driving slowly and carefully gets your shit banged up then the opposite must be true, right? Besides, we all know that nothing bad ever happens to rich fuckers who do what they want all the time. It’s the slow driving, careful people that get into the most trouble.

Finally, I’ll get this out of the way so you can go shopping for your new clunker. If you happen to be going for a brand new car, don’t buy the newest model of something. I know it may be what all the other kids on the block are getting, but studies show that statistically if you buy the first model of a new car or a new model of an old car you have a better chance at breaking down than if you bought a model that’s been on the market for 2 or more years. The reason for this is, the auto makers are trying new things with the new models and those models are more likely to have something go wrong with them. Maybe not right away, but somewhere down the road you’ll be watching the news and they’ll say a recall has been issued due to a ball bearing that will cause your engine to explode if you start your car near a preschool. Sure you’ll be able to get it fixed for free in most cases, but can you with your hectic lifestyle take a chance on not having wheels for a day or two? Didn’t think so.

Take my advice when looking for a new car and you’ll do just fine.

I hate not being able to buy a brand new Yugo. Click here.

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