Editorial Archives: Helpful Advice

I was going to post these every now and then but I’m still awake (it’s 6:30 AM) and I’m feeling like I’m not going to sleep for at least another ten minutes, so why not have another blast from the past? This one is one of my favorites.

Editorial Archives TOS

Helpful Advice
March 2, 2008

I’ve been noticing a lot of really stupid shit lately and the more I notice, the more I forget. I finally decided to start writing this stuff down so that I could get all of it off of my chest. So with that in mind, here’s the first installment of “Helpful Advice”. I hope this stuff helps you one day.

Topic 1: Douches

If you can’t get the fucking picture, don’t get into arguments. I know way too many people that continue to get into arguments, almost on purpose, and they don’t have a fucking clue. These people wind up looking like complete tools, and most of the time they bring it on themselves. If you are one of these people, just stop it.

Example: My last Editorial about drunk rednecks being complete idiots caused my cousin to argue against it and he ended up proving half of my Editorial for me.

If you’re so dense that you can’t figure out that something or someone is talking about you, you deserve to be talked about. Stop being a douche.

Topic 2: Think For Yourself

I think this term gets tossed around a lot and the actual meaning of it has been lost. What this term is telling you is to not let others think for you. That may sound ridiculously simple, but most people don’t get that.

Example: Recently Burger King started a campaign against McDonald’s and the weapon of choice was the double cheeseburger. Burger King tried saying that McDonald’s double cheeseburgers were tiny and weren’t as fulfilling as theirs.

The quick fact is, they’re right. The whole fact is, their double cheeseburgers are slightly bigger than McDonald’s, but they cost twice as much. For a dollar (in most areas) you can get a double cheeseburger at McDonald’s, while at Burger King they cost just over two dollars. If you were to spend two dollars at McDonald’s you’d get two double cheeseburgers and you’d actually get more food with that than one double at Burger King. Naturally they don’t want you to know this, but I do.

If you like Burger King, that’s perfectly okay. Just don’t eat there thinking you’re getting a better deal than you would at McDonald’s. On the flip side, don’t eat at McDonald’s without trying Burger King’s double cheeseburger. It tastes better.

Topic 3: Become A Millionaire

If you want to make a million dollars quick, here’s what you should do.

Option 1: Come out with a hit song. It doesn’t matter if it’s rock, rap, country, or polka, just make sure you have some really annoying catch phrase in it and you sing it a lot. Like, more so than the rest of the song. As a matter of fact, don’t even write the rest of the song. That part is pointless anymore… the chorus is the only thing people care about. Record your song and put it out as a single, since you don’t really need to waste your time writing 13 filler songs that nobody will care about.

People will flock to get your song immediately, and you will come away with a million or two dollars. The downsides though, are harsh. After that initial blast of money, you are going to make nothing. This is where people start downloading it illegally, or don’t want to own it at all because they get to hear your song enough on the radio, which plays it once every half hour.

Finally, here’s a tip. If you’re going to record a rap song, you have to sample an older rock song to do it right. Rap artists have lost their creative genius in the last 10 years and now if they’re not putting out really annoying songs with dumbass catch phrases with the same damn beat, they’re putting out really annoying songs with dumbass catch phrases over sampled classic rock tunes. No more fucking the police here folks, we’re getting into the laffy taffy. Shoot me now.

If you’re going to record a country song, you have to try as hard as you can to sound like really cheesy, gay rock to do it right. Country music has the distinct pleasure of being the only music style to go from stuff that sounded mostly like it’s roots to something that would make the original country artists puke, in a record amount of time. Country nowdays took a page out of the rap book and decided the only way to really appeal to all of the fake ass fans is to be fake itself. So they started sounding more like rock and roll, and they started saying stupid fucking catch phrases in their songs. Amazingly, people continue to listen. A boy named Sue would most definitely shoot anything called a “badonkadonk”. Take heed.

Option 2: This option comes to us from a friend of mine. What you want to do here is, find yourself a ghetto with very little to no businesses (of the legal kind). Then, open a fried chicken restaurant. You’ll be very rich, very quick. Unfortunately, you’ll more than likely lose all of that money the next day due to robbery.

Option 3: Back to the rap music. Only this time we’re going to take advantage of the newest trend in rap music, and it all takes place with product placement in rap videos. What you need to do here is come up with a really bad clothing trend and get a rapper to endorse it in one of their videos. Since black kids these days are so impressionable and lacking any desire to be unique, they’ll all run out to the nearest cell phone store to buy whatever shirts or pants or hats or jackets you come up with. You’ll be rich in no time, and you only really need to come up with one design. Your original investment is very low with this one.

I think that’s all the time we have for this round of helpful advice. Join us next time when we dive into the world of sports and animals!

I hate having to explain everything to everyone all the time.

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