I just went to the Wayback Machine and found most of my old Editorials on my old website that is now defunct, beefyhouse.com, and copied them so I could have a copy on hand. After all, they are my writing, for better or worse. Because of this, I’ll be posting some of them here.
To start, here’s the very first one I ever wrote. Enjoy.
Who Should Put The Toilet Seat Down?
Oct. 5, 2004
Have you ever had to pee so bad that when you finally did you had an orgasm? I don’t know if the women can answer this or not, though I don’t really know how all your stuff works, but for guys, I’m sure you’ve had one like this before.
Now, I know that I’ve had to piss so bad once that when I finally got to piss I thought, “This is better than sex”. That’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about pissing and having an orgasm while you do it because it feels THAT good. It was the only piss I ever took that I needed a cigarette after.
And why do they call it “taking a piss” or “taking a shit”? You’re really leaving it there. When you have to go and don’t have a bathroom anywhere near is when you’re taking it with you.
Speaking of leaving a shit… have you ever left a shit at a friends house? It’s kind of weird. I didn’t think there’d be much difference in toilets that I wouldn’t feel uncomfortable, but it’s strange. There’s always that first step. That first dump you leave that breaks the ice. After that, it’s open season. But taking that first leap into the bowels… rather bowls of others is always the hardest.
Think about it. It’s almost like leaving a shit in a public bathroom. It’s hard to do unless you try to fart and a little extra comes out, then you know you have no choice. But even if you cover the seat with toilet paper or those little paper seats that cover the real seat, you still can’t help but think about all of the other asses that have been there before yours.
And I couldn’t even think about being a woman. They have to sit all the time unless they’re skilled enough to just squat over the target and still hit the target.
And hitting the target… if I hear another woman bitch about guys pissing on the toilet seat I’m gonna choke her. It’s easy for you to bitch about it, you’re shooting from point blank range, guys actually have to aim. And if we’re having one of those orgasm pisses, it’s hard to do.
Finally I’ll leave you with this. Women, put your own god damn seat down. I have no problem doing it, but that’s because my mom got to me at a young age and now it’s just habit. But seriously, do it yourself. I’ve timed it. Do you know how long it takes to put the seat down? .00004 seconds. You don’t have that much to do in your life that you can’t take that time out of your day to put the seat down.
And if you insist on bitching about it, and making your guy do it, then put it up when you’re done, it’s only fair.
So guys, if your woman won’t stop bitching about it and she won’t comply with putting it up for you when she’s done, then do what I do. When you get done pissing, put both the seat and the lid down. So at least they have to go in and lift the lid or they’ll piss all over themselves. And as funny as that is, you might want to be out of the house the first time they do it.
Just as soon as I posted this I got a response from a female reader. Her responses are in bold and underlined with my answers underneath.
Why should we have to put the seat down when you guys are the one pissing?
So what, do women not piss anymore? I had no idea.
To quote myself since you read what you want (who knew a woman would read/hear what they want?): Women, put your own god damn seat down…. I’ve timed it. Do you know how long it takes to put the seat down? .00004 seconds. You don’t have that much to do in your life that you can’t take that time out of your day to put the seat down. What that means is, BEFORE YOU PISS, put your own god damn seat down.
Also, why do you even need the seat up when you never piss in the toilet, it’s always on the floor!
I always piss in the toilet. If you live with a guy that pisses on the floor, that’s a whole other problem that you should have him address. I have no problem hitting the toilet. Even in my most drunken stupor I’ve never had a problem hitting the toilet. I suggest you get your man to a doctor for an eye check up and then explain to him that the kitchen is NOT the bathroom.
And why do we bitch about the seat being down? Because some of us don’t like to fall in the toilet!
If you’re stupid enough to sit on a toilet without checking to make sure the seat is down, then you deserve to fall in, and I hope you continuously do it.
What would you women do if you didn’t live with a man at all? Would you constantly fall in the toilet? Probably not, because you’d put the seat down. So obviously you have the ability to do this, so DO IT.
And sometimes it’s like do I have to paint a goddamn target in the toilet bowl, boys?! Ready? Aim. Fire!
Actually you could do that, it would make going to the bathroom that much more fun. Especially when puking. Not only would we have our head shoved in the bowl, but we’d be able to check our spewing accuracy by heaving towards the bull. Very good idea, I’ll take you to the craft shop and pay for the paint if you actually paint it on the bowl.
You play darts, so you should be able to hit the bull’s eye right?
Yup, but I’m not throwing my piss at the toilet with my hand now am I? Nor am I shooting darts out of my penis towards the dart board. However that would be really cool.
I hope this clears some things up for you women out there who might be thinking the same things.
UPDATE 5-31-06: I was just reading Maddox’s new book, “The Alphabet Of Manliness” and found something rather strange on page 34 in the “D” section.
Here’s what I found odd.
The phrase “taking a dump” is a bit of a misnomer because you don’t actually take a dump so much as you leave one – and where you leave one is up to you!
What you read there is the exact wording in his new book. Now, if you look above, you’ll find this little phrase that I wrote back in ’04.
And why do they call it “taking a piss” or “taking a shit”? You’re really leaving it there.
The proof is there. Maddox ripped me off. And he probably didn’t even know it.
So is that still ripping me off?