Since I’m the kind of reporter who LOVES juicy Hollywood celebrity news and gossip, I felt the urge to share with you the latest happenings in the world of dumb.
I just stumbled upon a story that I couldn’t turn away from. How could I, when the title of the piece was:
Crystal Harris: Sex with Hugh Hefner Lasted ‘Two Seconds’
In the article, former fiancé of Hugh Hefner, Crystal Harris, who is a ripe old 24, said sex with the 85-year-old Playboy founder lasted “like two seconds.”
She then went on to talk about how that was it for her and she decided it was over and she had to move on. Oh lordy, where do I begin?
First of all, the article talks about her as if she’s a strong woman who had had enough and was ready to move on with her life. This is exactly why I can’t stand celebrity news. None of the prestigious celebrity news mediums ever tell it like it needs to be told. Not one of them, including this one, has the guts to say what needs to be said.
This bitch is TWENTY-FOUR-YEARS-OLD. 24. Twenty plus four. That’s “not legal to drink” plus “adolescent”. And she’s not just dating, but engaged to, an EIGHTY-FIVE-YEAR-OLD man. It doesn’t matter that he’s rich or worldly famous, or the creator of Playboy Magazine. He’s EIGHTY-FIVE-FUCKING-YEARS-OLD. No man, no matter who or what he is, is any different than any other at 85. No amount of surgery or magic or delusional thoughts will change that.
This bitch also claimed this was the first time she had ever had sex with him and she had never seen him naked. Apparently he fucks with his clothes on.
Now, I don’t want to say that a girl at the age of 24 knows everything, including what she wants in life, but why would she agree to marry a man, an 85-year-old man, if she wasn’t at the very least not concerned with how he has sex and/or what he looks like naked? These are small things to worry about if you’re agreeing to marry someone and spend the rest of your life with them. Well, at least the rest of his life.
The only thing I can say positive about this is, it’s obvious she wasn’t in it for the money, otherwise she would have faked her way to marital bliss just to get a piece of his fortune next year when he croaks. Then again, she’s obviously not smart or that is exactly what she would have done.
Instead, this dumb bitch trollop goes on national radio and belittles a man that almost every man in the world idolizes. Not because it was well deserved, but because she’s a fucking immature, dare I use the word “cunt”, who shouldn’t be allowed to make any decisions unsupervised until she’s old enough to know what the fuck she’s doing.
Second, he’s 85. What did she think sex with an 85-year-old man was going to be like? She’s lucky he got it up at all, and lucky that he lasted 2 seconds. This is Hef, of course, but still, I can guarantee he doesn’t have a lot of sex.
I’m sure her parents are so proud of their little girl, not only for dating a senior citizen who is four times her age, but for not hanging in there until he dies so she could get a kickback of a few million.
Now, the pretentious bitch has moved on to Dr. Phil’s son. I use the word “doctor” very loosely, almost as loose as she is, considering he’s not actually a doctor of anything. He’s only famous because Oprah gave him a shot. And his son, Jordan McGraw, is a nobody, just like his old man, but even more so. Do you know who he is? I don’t, and neither does the rest of the world, because he’s a nobody. Great trade up, whore. At least he’s your age. But you better watch out, Jordan, she might move on to your old man.
I can’t figure her out, not that I’m going to lose sleep over it. She dated an old codger, who is rich beyond rich, famous beyond famous, has pussy thrown at him like it was over ordered and there’s a sale on it, and she dumped him. She obviously doesn’t find him attractive and isn’t sexually attracted to him (which she said in the interview), didn’t hang on long enough to get any of his money, so why did she date him?
It’s obvious it was for the spot light, which she did get plenty of. But now she’s dating Dr. Phil’s nobody of a son, so the bulb in the spot light just burned out. So what the hell does she want anyway?
It’s even more-so obvious that she has no idea what it is she wants. Who knew a female, especially one who is 24-years-old, would have no idea what she wants and would make bad, rash decisions?
Am I mad at Hef for dating a 24-year-old little girl? Not at all. If you can do it, do it. I’m only 31 and I’m happy I could marry someone who’s 27. If my wife dies before I do, God willing, I hope to God I can get engaged to and bone a 24-year-old. So good for him, he’s living the American dream all the way around.
But for her? What the fuck? I can’t figure it, or her, out at all. And to top it all off, she’s NEWS! That’s the biggest shock to me.
I know I’m a nobody when it comes down to it, but I’m throwing it out there to Crystal Light (in the mind). Contact me, I’d love to get answers for these questions. Hell, I’d like just one answer, you can pick the question. Please help me understand this. I really want to.
UPDATE: I stopped by Crystal Light’s website to see if I could contact her for an interview. This is what I came across. It’s a post she made on her own website. Read it, I know you want to.
After much deep reflection and thought I have decided to end my engagement with Hef. I have the utmost respect for Hef and wish him the best going forward. I hope the media will give each of us the privacy we deserve during this time.
I have to pick this apart. She has the utmost respect for him, wishes him the best going forward, and wishes the media will give them both the privacy they deserve during this time.
YOU STUPID BITCH! YOU went on to the Howard Stern show, YOU belittled the man, YOU called him out on his 2-second-sex, YOU are the one who brought it all out into the lime light. You’re a fucking idiot. You respect him? Is that why you called him out on national radio, on the Howard Stern show that only a few million people listen to? Because you respect him? It’s posted on People Magazine’s website, that only a few million people read. And you RESPECT him?
You want the media to give you privacy… again, YOU WENT ON NATIONAL RADIO and belittled the man, called him out, but you want the media to give you privacy? Now I do dare, YOU ARE A STUPID FUCKING CUNT.
All of this only proves that she is immature at best, has no idea what reality is, obviously and painfully has no idea what the word “respect” means, and has no soul. I hope in all hope that you die before he does, and obviously not from old age, but in something horrible, like a fire, or due to cancer. I hope your family does as well, you colostomy bag. Because you are nothing more than a bag of shit.