I just read a story that NBA “star” Ron Artest, douchebag that he is, plans to legally change his name to “Metta World Peace”. Not only is this irony at its best, but it’s also one of the dumbest things I’ve ever heard. And I’ve heard a lot of dumb shit in my time.
Because of this, I’ve decided to make a list of some of the dumbest name changes in the history of dumb. This will not be all of them, because I don’t know all of them and I’m really not going to do much research for this piece, and they are in no particular order. They’re all just dumb.
For our first stop we head to the world of Professional Wrestling. While I am a huge wrestling fan, or at least used to be until the WWE completely ruined it, I find this all just a little ridiculous.
Some of you, fans or not, may remember these folks. The Ultimate Warrior and Chyna.
The Ultimate Warrior, in real life, is a douchebag. After failing at life and Pro Wrestling, he decided, since his life was his wrestling persona, that he was going to legally change his name to… Warrior Warrior. God I wish I could make this shit up.
Chyna, on the other hand, legally changed her name to Chyna. Not so bad, considering it isn’t nearly as stupid as Warrior Warrior, or even Metta World Peace. Her real name before she changed it was Joan Marie Laurer. After she left the WWE, she couldn’t use the name Chyna because it was owned by the WWE, so she legally changed her name to Chyna so that she could still use it. I actually sort of applaud her for doing this because the WWE is a bunch of assholes sometimes, so fuck them.
After this pseudo sport we head to a “real” sport, the NFL. Chad Johnson from the Cincinnati Bengals changed his name legally to Chad Ochocinco to coincide with his jersey number 85. People laughed and mocked him saying that “ocho cinco” isn’t eighty-five in Spanish, to which he said he knew, considering he actually speaks Spanish. I think the bigger argument here is, it’s just stupid. Apparently he’s supposed to be changing it back, but I couldn’t give a fuck less.
Finally, the only one left that was on the top of my head wasn’t a legal name change, but it was just as idiotic. Music icon Prince, quite a few years back changed his professional name to a sign. Not a word, a sign. A fucking symbol. So, in order to talk about him in any way, you couldn’t call him Prince, and you couldn’t call him the symbol because the symbol had no name, so everyone had to call him “The Artist Formerly Known As Prince.” In essence, he increased the saying of his name exponentially. The change was such a bad idea that he changed it back to Prince shortly after.
In celebrity land many celebs have changed their names over the ages to gain work fairly and to not be judged just by their names. I understand this and to an extent agree with it. Some use pseudo names just for their sport or job but keep their real name. Hell, you might find this shocking, but my name actually isn’t Beefy Booyawn. I know, I know, amazing, right?
But here’s the kicker. Those folks changed their names to names, not sayings or anything else that sucks. Why the fuck would you want to change your name to something idiotic unless you are, in fact, an idiot?
I guess those name changes I listed ARE apropos, considering those people are major idiots. Now, let’s all point at them and laugh heartily and use their mistakes to our advantage. Kids, don’t go out and change your names, LEGALLY, to something that can only be classified as fucking ignorant.