I went to a 4th of July party last night in the middle of East Bum Fuck Indiana. I Google Mapped it, it’s there.
What was great about this party was, there was a keg, a bunch of immature guys drinking from it (I was one of them) and fireworks. I think there were 4 bricks of firecrackers, and they were being handed out to everyone (myself included) and we were having a good time lighting them off and throwing them at each other. Who got hurt?
While playing cornhole, which is what one does when drinking and partying, I was standing at the one end watching my partner and her opponent throw their bags. Someone came up behind me and dropped a lit firecracker in my back pocket. Only to his drunken dumbness, it wasn’t a firecracker, which he thought it was. It was something else, the name I’m not sure, but when lit, it shoots out different colored fire smoke, spins around with a whistle, and then shoots up in the sky with another loud whistle.
While in my pocket, it tried to do all of this. Instead, it just hung out in my pocket, spraying my ass down with fire and smoke and whistling away. I couldn’t do anything to get it out, since it was lit and very hot, so I just let it go off while everyone laughed at me. Smoke poured out of my back pocket.
When it was over I tried to get it out but it was still hot, so I just left it there. Keep in mind, it didn’t hurt me up to this point.
My partner was done throwing, so I bent over to get the bags. When I did this, my jeans tightened, as they do, and they pushed that hot firework right into my ass and it burned me. I jumped up and danced around for a minute screaming in pain, to the delight of everyone but me, and in doing so I sprained the shit out of my right ankle.
The rest of the night the guy who did this kept apologizing to me because 1) he thought I was going to get him back, and 2) he thought it was a firecracker. He really actually thought something blowing up in my pocket by my ass would have been better and I wouldn’t have been as pissed.
The truth is, it was funny. If someone else had it done to them I would’ve laughed. I’m not mad it happened, and I’m not mad I got burned. My ankle being sprained really sucked though, and today it’s swelled up nicely and shoots a pain right from the center of my heel all the way up my leg like I’m being stabbed there.
I also checked my pants when I got home. There’s a burn mark in my pocket, funny enough it looks just like a shit streak, and there’s a big hole where it burned itself through my pocket and touched my ass.
Ah, happy 4th.